Fury of Coach
by CyberMammothTheTerrifying
Summary: Coach from Left 4 Dead journeys across the universe eating various foods and learning what it means to be a Jedi.
1. The Dark Night

Chapter one: The Dark Night

Coach was driving his dune buggy through a deserted road, when suddenly it stopped. "I'm outta gas!" he exclaimed. "Better go get me some more!" he said. Coach got out of his dune buggy and walked through the deserted road when suddenly, he heard a noise...It was zombies!

Coach pulled out his magical, god-killing chainsaw made from Ironman's armor and the teeth of vicious ogres from the deep bowels of HELL, known as Gutsbutter. Then he revved it up and slayed the nearly infinite horde of zombies with extreme prejudice. The zombies yelled out in pain as Gutsbutter cut through their guts like butter. Coach was swinging Gutsbutter around in a circle, all the while laughing like a pirate as the sky rained zombie pieces.

All the zombies were DEADER THAN DEAD and Coach walked away with a smile on his face, proud of his achievement. After an hour of walking through the deserted road, Coach found a Wal-Mart. He said "I know one thing: I'm grabbin' pills!" As Coach walked through Wal-Mart, he noticed that very few others were there, and he said "A'ight, I'm takin' whatever I can get!"

Coach was a man of his word. Coach stole 6 ties, 10 football jerseys, 7 pounds of bacon, 11 12 packs of beer, a couple pillowcases, some video games, 8 shotguns, a meat cleaver, 12 Rap cds, a pack of gum, and a mattress. He made his way towards some cotton candy with the intention of taking it and eating it, but someone was already there...it was BATMAN!

Coach said "gimme my cotton candy BATCH!" Batman said "No way fatty, over my dead body!" Coach said "Alright boy, you done messed with the wrong coach." Batman threw a punch at Coach, who ducked it and countered with a shoryuken uppercut that knocked Batman to the ground. Batman threw a batarang at Coach. Coach was struck in the stomach by the batarang and he yelled "Now I'm Pissed!" Coach pulled out three shotguns, carrying one in his teeth, and he shot Batman with all three of them, killing Batman. Coach then unmasked Batman's corpse. "Oh my GAWD. Ellis!" Batman was secretly Ellis the whole time! Coach was struck with guilt and sadness. Coach then took the Batman suit and mask and wore it in honor of Ellis. He exclaimed "I'mma be Batman now." Coach walked out of Wal-Mart and looked around the parking lot for a nice car. He eventually came across a pimped out black Cadillac limousine with a golden grill. Coach smiled to himself and unlocked the car with his master key that can unlock almost anything. He drove away blaring a Royce Da 5'9 album on his car's radio while eating a chocolate bar.


	2. Attack of the Coach

As Coach was driving through the deserted road in his pimped out black and gold Cadillac, He saw some buildings and lights. He was getting close to a city! Coach smiled enthusiastically and played a Macklemore song on his car's radio. When Coach reached the city, he parked his car, removed his Batman suit, and got out of it. As he looked around the city, he noticed that it was yet another abandoned city. Coach brought his epic chainsaw, Gutsbutter, and a buttload of guns for protection against zombies and others. This was really convenient, because a huge crowd of zombies arrived. The undead creatures busted through windows and doors, charging at Coach with the intention of feasting on his flesh.

Coach was prepared for this. He pulled out two AK-47s with explosive rounds AND HE EXPLODED ALL OF THE ZOMBIES! Well, it wasn't all of them, it just SEEMED like it. About three hundred more zombies arrived. Coach ran into a nearby casino and put his AK-47s into his backpack. Coach pulled out Gutsbutter and tied a long rope around it. The zombies rushed into the casino, surrounding Coach. But Coach yelled "COME AND GET Me, SUCKAS!" and he grabbed the rope tied to Gutsbutter. He then proceeded to swing it around like some sort of lethal chainsaw whip of unending DEATH! The zombies all died and the casino was painted red. Coach admired his work and left the casino. Coach went on his way back to his Cadillac, but he saw someone trying to steal it! Who could this thief be? The car thief was none other than LUKE SKYWALKER!

Coach was furious. He grabbed Luke by the neck and said "Boy, I'm gonna teach you a lesson!" Coach smashed Luke's face into the hood of his car twice. Luke struck back with an elbow to Coach's face and then he drew his light-saber. Coach drew his chainsaw, Gutsbutter, and grinned. They clashed their blades together in an epic sword duel. As the fight went on, the city almost became completely destroyed. Coach and Luke soared through buildings smacking each other around with their weapons, when suddenly they heard a shrieking noise and stopped fighting. Off in the distance ,edging ever closer, was a stampede of VAMPIRES!

Coach yelled "No questions, just get in the car!" Coach and Luke ran to Coach's pimped out limousine and jumped inside. They drove the vehicle through the cursed swarm of relentless bloodsuckers, littering the road with blood and stuff. They eventually escaped the city and had a conversation. Coach asked Luke Skywalker "What are you doin' here, boy?" Luke responded "I'm homeless because Andy Samberg kicked me out of our apartment building. Ever since then, I have wondered aimlessly across the universe. Why are you here?" Coach said "I'm on the run from someone."

"Who are you on the run from?" Luke asked. In a rather dreadful manner, Coach stated "Abraham Lincoln."


	3. Batteries Not Included

Luke Skywalker was shocked at Coach's revelation. Luke asked Coach "Why is Abraham Lincoln trying to kill you? He's a great man!" Coach responded "He WAS a great man. Every thing that was good in that man died when he was resurrected." Luke said "Say what?" Coach continued "He was resurrected as a terminator and sent to kill me by Patrick Star, the god of destruction." Luke Skywalker asked yet another question "But why?" Coach explained why "Patrick has been jealous of me ever since I became the king of Rock 'N Roll." Luke understood and nodded his head. They noticed how much blood was covering their ride and decided to go to a car wash.

Coach and Luke arrived at a car wash next to a gas station. Luke went into the gas station to get snacks and drinks, while Coach was going to get his car washed. The car wash could only take one car at a time. A muscular man dressed like a luchador was driving a pickup truck towards the car wash, but Coach was in his way. The mysterious masked muscular man stepped out of his truck and Coach could not believe his eyes. The man was BANE! Coach stepped out of his limousine with an expression of furious anger and he venomously spat "Get outta my way you PUNK!" Bane responded "How about we make a deal? You and I shall engage in hand-to-hand combat and whoever wins gets to wash their car first." Coach then said "Sounds good to me!"

Bane charged like a rhinoceros towards Coach, who jumped out of the way before Bane could hit him. Bane slammed headfirst into a wall and yelled in anger. Coach kicked Bane in the butt several times until Bane turned around, grabbed Coach and flung him through the window of a nearby monster truck. Coach groaned and then jumped out of the monster truck. He then said "That is IT!" He picked up the monster truck and threw it at Bane, who caught it and threw it back. Coach then did the most powerful fighting move of all time: The Falcon Punch. he learned this move from his master, Heihachi Mishima. The Falcon Punch was so powerful that it didn't just smash the monster truck into a million pieces, it also knocked the monster truck's soul out of it's body. Not only that, it also killed the monster truck's soul and sent its soul's ghost flying all the way across the world.

Bane's jaw dropped to the ground. He was so astonished at the amazing force of Coach's Falcon Punch that he gave up the fight and let Coach wash his car first out of pure respect. Luke Skywalker then walked out of the gas station with several bags of snacks and asked "Hey guys, what did I miss?" Luke was confused about what was going on, but after Coach washed his car, Coach explained the whole thing. Bane finished washing his car and asked if he could join them on their journey. Coach gladly accepted, and the three of them got in the limousine and drove away to yet another city.


End file.
